Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
