I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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