you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
