I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
