I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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