Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
