I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
