I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
