You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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