I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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