Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
