Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
