Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
