Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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