My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
