I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
