Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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