I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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