so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
