a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
