I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
