He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
