life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
