So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
