I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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