I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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