so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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