We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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