Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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