I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
