from now on my penis is your penis
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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