im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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