remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Are my feet made of real feet?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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