I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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