Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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