why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
dude i'm inner monologue high
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
