flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
