how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
