I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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