Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
