she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
