Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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