oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
