i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
