alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
