Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
