Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
