The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she peed on how many people?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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