He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
