i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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