The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
