i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
