wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
