I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
